Clay County, USA - After almost completing their inaugural term in office under the new county charter, Clay Commissioners proudly took to the podium with Commissioner Jay Johnson giving the address to declare their laundry list of achievements in the last two years In a spectacle akin to a parade, Commissioner Johnson detailed how they single-handedly transformed the county into a utopian wonderland. In fact, the Commissioners are doing such a good job every single one of them is running unopposed in the next elections! I know, sad for democracy, but yay! for good governance. Let's delve into the highlights of this journey through the land of bureaucratic bliss as we give credit to all commissioners.
1. Monumental Tax Relief: In what can only be described as a miracle akin to turning water into wine, Commissioner Nolte can take credit for claims to have crafted and passed the "LARGEST TAX RELIEF ORDINANCE IN THE HISTORY OF CLAY COUNTY." The ordinance instates frozen property taxes for anyone old enough to remember the Cold War. Us younger folks? Ya still paying them high property taxes, but baby steps people! Finally, a solution to the eternal struggle of property taxes rising faster than Bitcoin during a bull run. But hey, we know who's fault that is. Let's Go Brandon!
2. Sheriff's Deputies Empowered: Commissioner Lawson can proudly boast about fattening the wallets of our dear sheriff's deputies. With a 22% pay raise in 2023 and another 10% in 2024, Clay County's finest can now afford more than just donut crumbs in their squad cars. Because nothing says public safety like well-paid officers and their shiny new tasers.
3. Assistant Prosecutors Galore: In a stroke of genius, the commissioners added not one, but TWO additional assistant prosecutors. With more legal eagles soaring through the halls of justice, criminals in Clay County better watch out. Nothing like an overloaded prosecution team armed with gavels and righteous indignation.
4. Praying for Divine Guidance: God was apparently missing in action from commission meetings until Commissioner Johnson & Lawson heroically proposed a reinstated prayer at commission meetings. This lil rock knows we all need a lil prayer now and then, and the rest of the commission was down with it. Now, with the power of divine providence on our side, Clay County's commissioners can tackle the tough issues like potholes and zoning ordinances with heavenly resolve. Now we wonder if they can just get rid of those co-ed bathrooms at the county courthouse.
5 & 6. Streamlining All the Things: In a move reminiscent of a Marie Kondo Netflix special, Commissioner Thompson Marie Kondo-ed the county government, streamlining legislative procedures and planning processes. Now, navigating through government bureaucracy is as easy as ordering a latte at Starbucks. Almost.
7. Road to Nowhere No More: Commissioner Withington heard the cries of frustrated drivers and decided to throw money at the problem. With millions pumped into road and bridge repairs, Clay County is finally on the path to smoother commutes and fewer busted axles. Because nothing says progress like filling potholes with taxpayer dollars. Well at least the more rural parts of the county. KC Mayor Q-Ball can take the blame for all of the potholes in the Kansas City area of the county.
8. Negotiating Like a Boss: Losing the Royals or dodging a bullet? Although Clay County missed out on hosting the Royals' stadium, Commissioner Johnson, Carpenter, and Wagner want you to know they played hardball with the best of them. With the taxpayers' best interests at heart, they refused to engage in a bidding war that would make eBay enthusiasts blush. Because sometimes, losing is winning, or so they say.
9. Rebranding Clay County:
Under Commissioner Nolte's watchful eye, Clay County shed Ridgeway and Owens, ahem its old skin, and emerged as an aspirational beacon of hope. With slogans like "Come for the Low Taxes, Stay for the Lack of Crime," Clay County is the hottest destination this side of the Missouri River. Move over, there's a new sheriff in town.
By Josiah Bechthold
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